I find that the technical instructions of Chanmyay Satipatthana follow me into the sit, creating a strange friction between the theory of mindfulness and the raw, messy reality of my experience. It is just past 2 a.m., and there is a sharpness to the floor that I didn't anticipate. A blanket is draped over my shoulders—not because the room is freezing, but to buffer against that specific, bone-deep stillness of the night. I feel a tension in my neck and adjust it, hearing a faint pop, and then instantly start an internal debate about whether that movement was a "failure" of awareness. The self-criticism is more irritating than the physical discomfort.
The looping Echo of "Simple" Instructions
The technical details of the Chanmyay method repeat in my head like fragmented directions. "Note this sensation. Know that thought. Maintain clarity. Stay continuous." In theory, the words are basic, but in practice—without the presence of a guide—they become incredibly complex. Without a teacher to anchor the method, the explanations feel slippery, leaving my mind to spiral into second-guessing.
I focus on the breathing, but it seems to react to being watched, becoming shallow and forced. I feel a constriction in my chest and apply a label—"tightness"—only to immediately doubt the timing and quality of that noting. I am caught in a familiar loop of self-audit, driven by the memory of how exact the noting is meant to be. The demand for accuracy becomes a heavy burden when there is no teacher to offer a reality check.
Knowledge Evaporates When the Body Speaks
There’s a dull ache in my left thigh. Not intense. Just persistent. I stay with it. Or I try to. I find myself thinking about meditation concepts rather than actually meditating, repeating phrases about "no stories" while telling myself a story. A quiet chuckle escapes me, and I immediately try to turn that sound into a meditative object. I ask: "Is this sound or sensation? Is the feeling pleasant?" But the experience vanishes before I can find a label.
Earlier tonight I reread some notes about Satipatthana and immediately felt smarter. More confident. Now that I am actually sitting, my "knowledge" is useless. The body's pain is louder than the books. My aching joints drown out the scriptures. I crave proof that this discomfort is "progress," but I am left with only the ache.
The Heavy Refusal to Comfort
I catch my shoulders tensing toward my ears; I release them, only for the tension to return moments later. The breath is uneven, and I find myself becoming frustrated. I observe the frustration, then observe the observer. Eventually, the act of "recognizing" feels like an exhausting chore. This is the "heavy" side of the method: it doesn't give you a hug; it just gives you a job. There is no "it's okay" in this tradition. There is only the instruction to see what is true, over and over.
A mosquito is buzzing nearby; I endure the sound for as long as I can before finally striking out. The emotions—anger, release, guilt—pass through me in a blur. I am too slow to catch them all. I see that I am failing to be "continuous," and the thought is just a simple, unadorned fact.
Experience Isn't Neat
The diagrams make the practice look organized: body, feelings, mind, and dhammas. Actual reality, however, is messy and refuses to stay in its boxes. I can't tell where the "knee pain" ends and the "irritation" begins. My thoughts are literally part of my stiff neck. I sit here trying not to organize it, trying not to narrate, and still narrating anyway. My mind is stubborn like that.
Against my better judgment, I look at the clock. Eight minutes have passed. Time passes whether I watch it or not. The ache in my thigh shifts slightly. The shift irritates me more than the ache itself. I wanted it stable. Predictable. Observationally satisfying. Instead, it remains fluid, entirely unconcerned with my spiritual labels.
The technical thoughts eventually subside, driven out by the sheer intensity of the somatic data. Heat. Pressure. Tingling. Breath brushing past the nose. I stay with what’s loudest. I wander off into thought, return to the breath, and wander again. No grand conclusion is reached.
I don't have a better "theory" of meditation than when I started. I just feel here, caught between instruction and experience, between remembering and actually feeling, sitting in this unfinished mess, letting website it be messy, because that’s what’s happening whether I approve of it or not.